Hilarious Health JokesTry these health jokes and funny one-liners for some neat relaxation therapy to get tension out of those muscles. They cover various related aspects of general and women's health.
Categories include:
Healthy eating, Weight & Dieting
2. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. -- Alexander Woollcott 3. Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. 4. Desperation is a fellow shaving before stepping the scales.
5. Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a 90 ft Redwood. -- Erma Bombeck
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Pregnancy, Birth, and Babies
2. "Do you mind if I sit down, 'cause I'm pregnant?" a woman said. I said in reply, "You don't look it. How long have you been pregnant?" She said, " Only ten minutes - but doesn't it make you feel tired?" -- Max Miller 3. "How come the Greens have started taking French lessons?" "Didn't you know their adoption plans finally came through? They've gotten an adorable French baby, and they want to understand what she says when she begins to talk."
4. The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his first son, was determined to follow all the rules to a T. "So tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
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Moms, Tots and Teens
2. Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash, 1902-71 3. How ambitious was Mrs Jones when it came to her offspring? Well, when a stranger inquired as to their ages, she replied, "The doctor's in 3rd grade and the lawyer will be starting kindergarten in the fall." 4. Grandchildren are God's rewards to grandparents for not shooting their children.
5. Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you to reach it faster, too. -- Lionel Kauffman
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Beauty and the Female Anatomy
2. Sometimes I just go (to the beauty salon) for an estimate. -- Phyllis Diller
3. At 50 you have the choice of keeping your face or your figure and it's much better to keep your face. -- Barbara Cartland
Womanhood
2. It is good to be merry and wise, It is good to be honest and true, It is best to be off with the old love, Before you are on with the new. -- anon. (song) 3. Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. -- Jerome K.Jerome, 1859-1927
4. It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall. -- Albanian proverb
Birth control and STDs
2. The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead. -- anon. 3. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. -- Spike Milligan 4. The command 'Be fruitful and multiply' was promulgated according to our authorities, when the population of the world consisted of two persons. -- W R Inge, 1860-1954
5. You were born with your legs apart, they'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. -- Joe Orton, 1933-67
Healthy living - Smoking, Drinking & Exercise
2. If you drink like a fish, drink what a fish drinks. 3. This guy's not your ordinary, garden variety drunk. Far from it. Last year he donated his body to science, and he's preserving it in alcohol till they can use it.
4. If exercise is so good for you, why do athletes have to retire by age 35?
Health and Sickness 2. "Yeah, Doc, what's the news?" asked Sam when his doctor called with his test results. "I have some bad news and some really bad news," said the doctor. "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Oh my God," gasped Fred as he dropped to his knees. "What could be worse news than that?" "I couldn't get hold of you yesterday." 3. There was a terrible accident at a building site, and a construction worker rushed over to where a well-dressed woman was pinned beneath an iron girder. "Hang in there, lady," he said, "the ambulance will be here soon. Are you badly hurt?" "How should I know?" she snapped, "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer." 4. Take your medicine like a man.
5. "Dr Hunter," complained the elderly patient, "when I get up in the morning I feel quite faint - and it lasts for up to an hour. What do you suggest?"
"Hmmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully stroking his chin. "How about getting up an hour later?"
Age and Longevity
2. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. -- Bernard M. Baruch 3. I have been asked, "How do you grow old so easily?" I reply, "Very easily. I give all my time to it." -- Emanuel Celler 4. My mother is going to have to stop lying about her age because pretty soon I'm going to be older than she is. -- Tripp Evans 5. I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963... -- Joan Rivers
6. It's an awful thing to grow old alone. My wife hasn't had a birthday in six years.
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