Funny Doctor StoriesThis is a collection of funny doctor stories including doctor anecdotes and patient stories grouped into categories related to health in general and women's health in particular.
Categories include:
Gynaecologists
2. A lady gynaecologist was checking on a patient who had a hysterectomy operation three days before. The doctor asked the woman why she hadn't yet gotten out of bed. "I hurt," the woman replied. "You don't know how it feels." "I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure three months ago, I was on my feet two days later and back at work in less than six weeks. There's no difference in our operations." "Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different gynaecologist." 3. 70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up. He told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband." The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have sex three times a week. The eighty-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" "How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?" "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday," the man said, "but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."
4. After her hysterectomy, Ms Gonzalez was given the usual discharge instructions. That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit.
"Any time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?"
"It says here in your instructions, 'no relations until after your postop checkup.'"
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Healthy eating, Weight and Dieting
2.According to her friend Vicky, 40 yr old "Patricia's terror of getting fat was so great that she reduced her diet to the point of absolute starvation. When she added to her weight, even standing was painful so she resolved to keep down to 11 stone, or shoot herself. She said everything she swallowed was instantly converted into fat and deposited on her ribs. She was the only human being I ever met with who had sufficient self restraint and resolution to resist her proneness to fatten, and as she was always hungry, it was even more to her credit. Occasionally she relaxed her vigilance, when she swelled accordingly. I remember one of our old friends saying, 'Patricia how well you are looking!' If she had stopped there all would have been well, but when she added, 'You are getting fat,' Patricia's brow reddened, and her eyes flashed - 'Do you call getting fat looking well, as if I were a pig?' and turning to me she muttered, 'The beast,I can hardly keep my hands off her.'I don't think she had much appetite for her dinner that day, or for many days, and she never forgave the woman.
She would exist on cookies and soda water for days at a time, then, to dampen the constant hunger gnawing at her insides, she would make up a dish of cold potatoes and fish or lettuce and other greens drenched in vinegar, and gobble it up like a famished dog. Either of these unsavoury dishes and a glass or two of wine, no matter how sour, she called feasting sumptuously. Once, I observed that she might as well have fresh fish and vegetables instead of stale, she laughed and answered: I have an advantage over you, I have no palate; one thing is as good as another to me.'"
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Pregnancy, birth and babies
2. A man whose wife was delivered of a boy six months after marriage, asked a doctor the reason for this. "I'll make it easy for you," said the physician, "this often happens in the case of the first child, but never afterwards." 3. Mr Jones rushed into the local emergency room shouting, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabbed his bag, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly he noticed that there were several cabs, and he'd gotten in the wrong one. 4. "I've made up my mind what we'll call the baby if she's a girl," young Mrs Edberg announced when she was eight months pregnant for her first baby. "We'll call high Eucalyptus." The father did not care for this name but he shrewdly said, "What a coincidence, the first girl I loved was named Eucalyptus, and it will bring back pleasant memories." The wife was silent for a moment. "I think we'll call her Elizabeth after my mother," she said. 5. A young woman brought her daughter into Children's Hospital for a routine check up. On the records, the doctor saw that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Youreen). Unable to contain her curiosity, the doctor asked the woman how her child came by such a "distinguished sounding" name. The woman explained, "Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the special nursery. She was really sick and they didn't know if she would make it, but the nurses said they would pray for her. I hadn't picked a name, but one day I came in and saw that the nurses had already given her one. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine,' so I knew that was the name of my baby."
6. The seven-year-old wandered into the room where her brand-new baby brother was being nursed. Because of her interest in the process, the mother carefully explained how mother animals make milk for their babies, humans as well.
The child seemed satisfied with the answer and was silent for a moment. Suddenly she looked up and with a puzzled expression on her face said "But Mother, is it pasteurised?"
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Smoking and Drinking
2. Thomas Edison was telling Mr Cary a story one day about the way his friends, when they came into his office, would help themselves to his pure Havana cigars. "They just take 'em by the handful," he said. "Why don't you lock them up?" asked Mr Cary. "Never could remember to do it," returned Edison. "Then, Johnson, my secretary you know, did a clever trick. He had a friend in the cigar business and promised to get him to make me some entirely of cabbage leaves and brown paper. I thought that was a fine scheme. But the cigars didn't come, so I asked him one day about it when I noticed my Havanas disappearing again. 'Why, I sent them to you,' he said. 'I left them with your manager.' I called the manager in and asked him where those cigars were. 'Why,' he said, 'I put them in your valise when you went to California last month. I didn't know what they were.'" "Do you know, Cary," continued Edison, "I smoked everyone of those damned cigars myself!" 3. William Penn was exhorting a drunkard to cast off his habit. The drunkard lamented that this was impossible. "No," said Penn, "it is as easy as opening thy hand, friend." "Tell me how this is and I will do as you say," said the drunkard. "Friend, when thee finds any vessel of intoxicating liquor in thy hand, open the hand that contains it before it reaches thy mouth and thee will never be drunk again."
4. "I see you're drinking coffee, Judge," someone remarked to Brian Campbell on a hot summer's day, "Why don't you try something cooling? Did you ever try gin and ginger ale?"
"No," said Judge Campbell, "but I've tried several fellows who have."
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Health and Sickness
2. Mr Brown was a hypochondriac and should never have attended the medical lecture on diseases of the kidney, unfortunately he did and the very next day called on his doctor. The doctor attempted to explain that in that particular disease there was no pain or discomfort of any kind. "I knew it," gasped Mr Brown, "My symptoms exactly." 3. Mrs Snellen telephoned her son and said, "I called the doctor's office this morning, and when I spoke to the doctor she was so rude to me, I just couldn't believe it." The bewildered son phoned the doctor and demanded an explanation. "I sincerely apologise," the doctor said. "Have you ever just had one of those days? At the moment your mother called, there was a patient screaming at me, an insurance company was on the other line, and one of the nurses had just dropped a urine sample on my shoe. When your mother asked how to use a rectal thermometer, I just blurted out the first thing that came into my head."
4. Mr Tote called the doctor's office to find out his wife's test results. "I'm sorry," the nurse said, "but there's been a mistake. When we sent your wife's samples to the Lab, some samples from another Mrs Tote were sent as well. One Mrs Tote has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which results are your wife's."
"That's terrible!" Mr Tote cried. "Can we do the test over to find the answer?" "Your HMO won't pay for these expensive tests to be run twice." "Well, what are we supposed to do?"
"The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
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